Loneliness, and a dilema
We have officially been in the new house a month now...a whole month. The boxes are unpacked and the toddler refers to her new bedroom as ‘my room’ so it must be ok.
I drove past the old house by accident the other day. It looks the same, barring the odd small change.
But what was I expecting?
It’s also Easter break, so The Girl is home from nursery, meaning I have to manage both children all day, but, that I don’t have to do the 45-min each way trip to drop her off and pick her up either. I don’t know which is harder.
I do know I have some big decisions to make.
I love the nursery that The Girl is at, and The Boy is about the start at. When I go back to work it will be on my way in, albeit near the end, of what will be an over an hour long commute every day I work. Right now I have to drive The Girl in and pick her up 3 days a week. It plays havoc without The Boy’s nap schedule and messes up bedtime.
Had we moved a long way away, I would have had to give up my job and move the children regardless. It wouldn’t have been fun but I would not have had a decision to make. Here, in this context, I have a decision to make and I am agonising over it so much it is driving me (& those around me) crazy.
Do I stay in a job I love, keep the children at a nursery they love, but risk the hour long drive each way (at best) every day.
Or do I pull them out of nursery, find some local childcare, and try to find a job I want more locally even if it is not quite my first choice of job?
There are a few other circumstances outside of my control to add to this that I can’t talk about just now, meaning the job might not be as ideal as it seams to be, but I don’t want that to be the reason I leave. I want it to be my choice.
Plus of course, financially, I will probably only just about break even going back, until The Girl gets her 30 hours childcare, but even then it’s touch and go.
Meanwhile, the house it great. We get to go outside everyday (even though it is nearly always raining at the moment). The Girl has got really good on her scooter and loves it, and The Boy is occasionally wakeing up less then 4 times a night, which is previously unheard of.
We still do not have the furniture to quite fill the house, but we are working on it. We are officially a 2-TV household, which is new, and soon we will have a proper sofa in the grown up living room.
However, something feels a bit off. It’s not the house, which has a good amount of space for us now. It’s not the area, which is quiet and convenient. Something, somehow dosen’t feel quite right.
I suspect it will take time, and that’s all. At the moment we don’t really know anyone around here, and while The Husbands work is close by so he has a few friends who live nearby, and he sees people every day, but unless I drive 40 mins or so, I don’t see anyone, so some days it is just the children I interact with. I love them. There amazing. But I don’t get a whole lot of sense out of them. Somehow, in suburbia, close to a train station and a motorway, with children and a dog to keep me company, I find myself loanly.
We go to the local stay and play once a week, but no one really speaks to me beyond superficial plesentries. When I was a new Mum with a baby at baby classes I used to make mummy friends a lot, the ones I miss now, but somehow, when they are slightly older, or when there is two of them, friendships don’t happen so easily. I am not sure of the difference. Maybe people think you know what you are doing now, maybe because every conversation is interjected with toddler talk-‘want to see your toes,’ ‘what you doin?’ ‘Where my Xuli?’ Maybe it’s because you’re so busy watching when you have more then one you don’t notice other people’s attempts to make friends. Maybe it’s that I’m so wrapped up in making a decision I don’t want to make I’m just really dull to be around. Not sure. Loanlyness is something I have encountered as a parent before. when you’re on night shift with a wide awake baby and the rest of the house is snoring. When you can’t get the baby to go down for the sleep she so desperately needs and your on your own at home with a screaming, over stimulated baby. When you’re baby is so hungry he is screaming and won’t latch onto a sore and swollen breast and no one can help but you, or no one is around to see just how much they scream. You don’t always want help, just a person to make faces at, or roll your eyes at. Sometimes you just need empathy to stop from feeling like you’re losing your mind.
I guess I don’t know what the solution is yet. Except that, like everything with parenting, it won’t last. I will say this though. If you come across a lone parent (note:not nessacerly single, just lone for that moment in time) don’t assume they’re not interested in talking just because they don’t respond first time. They’re probably trying to stop a small person inadvertently injuring themselves. Be paichant, be kind, they might need a friendly face, even if they look like they’ve got this.