Hi! I haven’t posted in a while, I know. Being back at work hasn’t left me with much time for anything, but I haven’t gone, things are just on hold for a bit.
Going back to work has been a shock. Work itself is fine, but leaving the house before 7am not not returning until nearly 7pm, with both kids in tow is a killer. My drive, including dropping the children off at Nursery is over an hour, in traffic, each way.
This is the reason I have taken the massive decision to hand in my notice. I have no job to go to, but with a monthly nursery bill of roughly 90% of my take-home salary and over 2 hours of driving every day its hard to see that its worth what little money is left over.
That said, there are two things that are significant here. Firstly, my job is a massive part of my identity. It’s one of the few things I’m actually good at. I have been doing my job-or similar, for 15 years and I love it. It’s hard to imagine not doing it. I don’t really know what I am if I’m not a teacher. And while my reasons for stopping work are important; fundermenterly it’s the right choice for my family right now, a part of me feels like I have somehow failed at my job because I’m ‘giving up!’
Is that a bit mad?
Secondly, we still have bills to pay. A mortgage, a car to run, a life to live. There are clothes and shoes and swimming lessons to pay for. I want to be able to contribute. And yes, I know that by raising children I am contributing, being at home is in no way the ‘soft’ or easy option, but somehow, I feel as if I am not contributing as much as I should.
The Husband would tell you that I come up with a new way to earn money for us every week. (I should point out here that The Husband does not put me under any pressure to do so). Some of my ideas are ridiculous. Some are unfeeseable or impossible. Some are genuinely good ideas. All are ways I might be able to be a stay at home mum and bring in some money. All are terrifying to me, because they are not the safety of the current job that I know and love so well.
Nothing great ever came from staying in your comfort zone. I have to diversify to make our family work the way we want it to. This means taking a risk. Doing something I never imagined doing. Tapping into other skills I have-or finding out if I actually have them-and having a good go at something completely different. I often wonder if I have the skills required for the job of ‘mum,’ let alone finding new ones, but I know I am not alone in that and I also know, that despite not knowing if I could do it, I still made the decision to try to become a mum without hesitation. (That’s not a vailed comment on my sex life, what I mean is, deciding that I wanted to be a mum, however it happened, was easy despite not being sure I had all the required skills), so why is this, arguably smaller decision so difficult?
Eiter way, come September I will be officially unemployed, until inspiration and skill-set collides, and I make a decision on what is next. It’s scary to me, because it’s the unknown, but I am hoping something positive comes out of it. Watch this space...
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